She left the place with teary eyes and a heavy heart. It seemed like she was hurt and disappointed, but actually, these words couldn’t represent the actual feelings she was going through at the moment. Thoughts were hitting her like a storm, a thunderstorm. Her demons were telling her as if it was all her fault. Being born in a broken family was her fault, being abused was her fault, being emotionally shattered by people around her was her fault, trying to make things out for herself was fault. She doubted herself for her broken relationship after all the efforts she could make, still, she doubted as if she hasn’t done enough, she wasn’t enough to deserve love, care and be understood. She wanted to be with him, being happy, being herself, being free of all the accusations and blames. After all the efforts she could make, still, she wasn’t able to save her most precious relationship. Not because she couldn’t carry it on, but she had become so delicate that his love couldn’t mend all the wounds in one shot. She wanted to be treated normal, he wanted to treat her normal. But her wounds were so deep that they needed extra time, extra love and more trust to heal, which was hard for him to meet. He tried his best, to make her trust his love but her wounds were deeper than his patience. They both were broken, they both were shattered. One in efforts to heal herself and one in efforts to mend her broken pieces. They both loved each other but one was tired of getting harsh on herself and one lost his patience of watching her in pain.
It’s not the story of one couple, it’s a story we listen or see every now and then. Another breakup, because of the wounded soul. Talking about relationships, we often discuss the communication and its role. And more than often we overlook the factors behind that lack or resistance in communication. We expect that individual must know the right way of communication (verbal communication), do we ever talk about the communication of feelings? Do we even know how to communicate our feelings correctly? Do we even think how to understand other person’s feelings in a relationship? We hardly ever think about it, but we expect from other people to be understanding for our feelings. In fact are we actually aware of our exact feelings? And it not only about feelings, it’s also how the expectations are formed. Apart from society’s induced expectations, it also come from our own surroundings. A person coming from a broken family will have difficulty in understanding a normal relationship, will have difficulty in trusting the love of the other person. It’s not because it’s their fault, but in fact they never have witnessed that trust or may be that love?
Yes, maybe I am talking about something that seems so perfect or ideal. But at times, trying to heal someone else we hurt ourselves too. I am not asking to only be understanding to the other person or their wounds. We all are broken, we all are wounded. Here both are important, to take care of oneself as well as of the other person. As a society we are brought up with the idea of sacrifice, self-sacrifice makes you a good human being. That’s how expectations are formed, expectations from others to sacrifice themselves for us, and expectations from ourselves to sacrifice for others. If I want to love someone first I’ll have to love myself. The statement seems selfish? No, it’s actually self-care, I am not asking to become selfish, but to at least start loving ourselves. The story I started my article with, reflects the lack of self-care on both sides and that made the relationship to this end. I know, to many of you these things seem to be deep or maybe bookish or maybe easier said than done? But I want my readers to think about the fact how much you love yourself? And how does it make you suffer in your relationships? And how this all affects your relationships?
Knowing yourself, or being intact with our feelings is the most crucial part of emotional health. Not feeling anything is not a sign of strength, but being aware of what exactly going on inside and managing it without hurting ourselves and others is the actual strength. If I am emotionally healthy, then only I will be able to take care of the people I love.
By Sana Fatima
Sana Fatima is a seasoned clinical psychologist, internationally certified and faculty member of Greenwich University and Bahria University. Running her own entrepreneurial venture with the name of The Mitigators. Sana is a qualified hypnotherapy practitioner and also certified in Humanistic Integrative Counseling from CPPD and worked for one of the top NGO. Sana is a registered member of PACP, Pakistan Association of Clinical Psychologists and has expertise in the areas of marital, personal and career counselling.